Some years ago, during the darkest time of my life, I had a strong realisation that nothing in my external world would change unless I changed. This was when I started looking for answers. I started reading self-help books and exploring spiritual teachings. Even though the things I read made sense, they didn’t translate into me getting better. They gave me an illusion of ‘knowing,’ but I was merely copying other people’s words and claiming them as my experiences.
At the peak of this dark time, right after a very emotionally destructive relationship, I decided to dive deep and consume a large amount of mushrooms. I do not advocate for plant medicine – I’ve seen people’s minds get destroyed by it, so please do in-depth research before you decide to pursue this. I am just being as truthful as I can in telling this story.
This experience marked the beginning of my ‘shadow work,’ although that wasn’t the term I was familiar with at the time. One of the greatest lessons I was given during this journey is that guilt is a made-up emotion. We live to learn, and we should give ourselves (and each other) as much love and understanding as we possibly can while we do it.
This is a little poem I wrote during that experience:
“Dressed in everything I’m scared of
there he is
my light
my salvation
ME”
The ‘he’ part was my ex-boyfriend, and the meaning of the poem was that he was a reflection of me so intense, so concentrated, that I had no way of ignoring it any longer.
From that day, I started to observe myself – my thoughts, what I say, my relationships with people, the types of people I tend to surround myself with, what I complain about. And, to be completely honest, I realised I was a bit of a douche – a scared child who thought of herself as a do-gooder, who took pride in sacrificing herself, her time, and money to others. In reality, this was my way of keeping myself safe, or even worse, a way to silently manipulate people.
It is not easy to have this radical honesty, and I often feel like I am going a little insane, as it makes me question almost everything:
“Do I really think my boss is a sexist, insecure person who would not promote me, even though I think I am better at what I do than those who get promoted? Or is it my way of excusing myself from stepping up because I fear being seen and taking greater responsibility?”
“Is blaming my parents for my inability to form lasting romantic relationships just a cover for me maybe not wanting one? But how can a person not want it, right?”
“Is my tendency to do things for people really an expression of my good and giving personality, a tool to make people like me, a trauma response from not being seen as a child, or is it me compensating for not being able to give the real me to those close to me – my way of keeping people close but at a distance at the same time?”
The not-so-good part about all this is that once you start, there is no going back, and I don’t think there will ever be a time when this process ends. I also realised that the more I learn about myself, the more I learn about others, and it gives me more knowledge of how to manipulate people around me. I started withdraw from social events, partially because I no longer want to take part in the social dance where people repeat the same things over and over, and I feel like I need to give them the same in return to be part of the pack, and partially because I feel like I still pretend a little to be someone I am not, and it is tiring.
People I was friends with for years started to accuse me of being judgmental, even though I am now more loving and understanding toward others and myself, and listen more intently knowing they teach me about myself. This strange paradox led to feelings of isolation and depression. But, with time, it turned into acceptance on my ‘weird’ self.
I strongly believe the positive exceeds the negative aspects of shadow work. Getting to know true motivations behind my actions put me in a place where I can actually start changing things. It gave me a feeling of being in control of my life. Realising that I stayed in certain situations because I subconsciously wanted to (it kept me safe, for example) gave me the strength needed for changing it.
If I didn’t understand this, I would still be doing a 9-to-5 job in an office building in some big city, complaining about my boss and coworkers, and believing that I was winning in life because my job came with a status and a great benefits package. Not that my job was bad – quite the opposite – but I had to admit to myself that this is not what I want to do in life.
The inner work helped me with romantic relationships also, even though I haven’t had many of them since that first mushroom trip. I look at all relationships, not only romantic, in a much less idealistic way these days. I understand that true love is free, and you can’t make conditions for other people. The only choice is to either love them or not. But to form a relationship with someone is to admit that I have my needs and boundaries, and it is an exchange. I am no longer expecting others to make me happy – this is my responsibility – but I would not put up with the poor treatment my past exes were giving me. No more being grateful for every little scrap of attention or hanging on to promises I knew wouldn’t happen, or didn’t even want to happen. But that is for another story…